On not taking ourselves too seriously

It's really funny. For the last two days I have been searching. I was voraciously reading many books: "A Course in Miracles" (in both English and Spanish); books on Buddhism ("When Things Fall Apart," etc.), works of Shakespeare; biographies of my favorite writers. I've also been absorbed in spiritual videos on YouTube, videos by Gangaji and other spiritual teachers. I was searching desperately for "something." All of the above did bring me some fulfillment, some happiness, some hope. But they didn't quite bring me exactly what I had been looking for....

Then yesterday I called a mentor of mine and "demanded" some "life advice"! This mentor paused and thought, and then said, "Um. Don't take yourself so seriously." It was such a revelation. And it made me realize something. You see, it was so amazing that no matter how hard I looked, no matter how hard I worked, no matter how deeply I searched, I couldn't find what I was looking for. My mentor's words made me realize that I was trying too hard. What I was looking for was permission to not take myself too seriously.

I think this was the next step I have been working toward all summer. It's connected to a realization that I'm really starting to accept, that is really starting to sink in: that I don't exist. lol. Yes, on a practical level I do exist, but on an existential and spiritual level, I don't exist. This can be very frightening to the ego. But I think that once it is accepted, a great deal of peace comes. Ugh. But now I sound all serious again... lol